only read the news at 4:45pm
This seems like an obvious statement, but sometimes the most obvious statements (like, when the President lies, call it a lie) bear explaining:
NEVER READ THE NEWS IN THE MORNING
The morning is tough enough already in these times. You have to 1. contend with the fact that your husband knows you’re only pretending to still be asleep; 2. guilt exercise; 3. stress eat; 4. pity shower (the pity is for your “hair”) then somehow get yourself to your office without a multi-hour diversion to your television. My Covid commute is the worst commute of my life.
Once “at work” it is common instinct to open email. I think this is because we are still always expecting to receive A. an apology from the man that broke our heart or B. free money. Not sure. I’m considering taking a forever break from e-mail like I’m the grandma you mother claims will never see your wedding e-vite. She’ll make it to the wedding, Mom.
Regardless, inside my email every single day are two things: Wake Up Call - a daily news brief email from Katie Couric, and The Morning - a daily news brief email from The New York Times. Linking to these would be hypocritical and/or antithetical. Know that each contains a bulleted list of the most important news with links to more information on the topics. It is an excellent way to consume the critical stories of every day. The problem is that everything it says is fucking horrible. How fucking horrible is it? So fucking horrible that it commonly results in the destruction of my day/week/month/life. Providing any further detail would be hypocritical and/or antithetical. Let’s just say that no amount of @dog instagram videos reverses the effect, and yesterday they posted this.
The point of this essay is to inform you that I’ve discovered there is a proper hour of the day to ingest this text-based form of daily torture, in these times:
READ THE NEWS AT 4:45PM
4:45 is specific, yes, but completely universal. It works for me - a childfree, unemployed writer in Los Angeles just as well as it will work for you - a dad of four working 90-hours a week from your flat in London (hope-based readership projection!). It unfortunately does not work for shift-based workers and first responders aka everyone the leadership of our nation has elected to fuck by not properly handling this pandemic, but they should not read the news. They are the news.
For the lucky among us (and I mean that sincerely), by 4:45 we either need or can certainly afford a break from work; we’ve been productive/pretending to be for many hours. We’ve also staved off total shut down long enough to eat two meals and 37 snacks, the daily recommended amount. Further, we are 15 minutes from the universally assigned hour to drink alcohol and/or smoke pot (I cannot in good faith list other drugs but you be you). And, and this is critical, if we had to give up on the rest of the day from this point on, it would be fine. We could say, I have a really bad head ache. I think I’m going to lie down for a minute. And then, the next morning, say Wow, I guess I really needed some extra sleep! We could also say, Fuck this day! PEACE OUT MOFOS! but I recommend that’s yelled, not spoken.
4:45 also works as:
-an acceptable hour to scream text anyone in your phone
-an excellent parameter to cease news consumption immediately at 5:00
-the best time for alliteration: fucking four forty-five!!!!
This is, of course, if you must read the news at all. I currently must because…
Hhmm.
I don’t know.
It’s important to be engaged in society?
It’s helpful to know what my text chains are complaining about?
Or - interesting - it fills my need to continue to be very angry every day…
That might warrant further examination.
What’s the proper hour of the day to investigate self-destructive personality traits, in these times?
