I’m sorry I haven’t called

I’m sorry I haven’t called.

I was going to call just the other day. Had the phone in my hand.

But then I noticed dishes drying on the dish drying mat. And all dishes must be dried and put away immediately right now, for reasons that make zero and total sense.

I’m sorry I haven’t called.

I thought of calling this morning. I even picked a time/wrote it down/told my husband the plan.

But right before I clicked your name I realized that I didn’t want to talk about anything we would probably both say.

I’m sorry but I just can’t tell anyone where and when I’m getting my groceries again. And if you tell me when you think we’ll all go back to normal, I’ll scream.

I’m especially sorry I haven’t called you.

It’s just that a call doesn’t feel like enough. It would have to be a Facetime. And this is no excuse, but I hate a Facetime. We both look weird and sound weird and never know where our eyes should focus.

Also, I miss you more when I see your face.

But, I truly feel bad that I haven’t called…

I had time today. (I have time every day). But I’ve been -

-In a good mood, which felt somehow inappropriate to admit. (How dare I.)

-In a bad mood, which felt somehow ridiculous to say. (Who isn’t?)

-Just too fucking tired.

And this is no excuse, but I assumed whatever you were doing when I thought to call was more important than whatever I’d have to say. You have two young children/two ailing parents/an incredibly busy job. You are a fucking doctor.

I could have just called and left a voicemail. Yesterday someone left me a voicemail and I loved it. I listened to it five times.

But I didn’t call them back.

Why didn’t I call them back?

I want to be the one that always calls - back or better yet first.

-Who was that?

-Jessie. She’s so good about calling.

Other people are calling you. Whole groups. I see it in the photos I zombie-scroll through instead of doing that very thing.

What are they saying? Interesting things you’re excited to hear?

Maybe I’ll make a list of topics I’d like to discuss that have nothing to do with how to bake bread or what I’m watching on TV? (That would mean thinking about something other than how to bake bread or what to watch on TV...) Maybe I’ll read one of the twelve magazines I haven’t touched in 43 days? Maybe there will be some interesting article about some excellent celebrity?

Hey, I’ll say when I call. You will not believe what I just read about Florence Pugh. She has a travel-size bag full of Yorkshire tea with her at. all. times! How adorable is that?!

Do you want Florence Pugh facts? Or my good mood? Or my bad one? Do you want a voicemail from me that you can listen to five times?

Because I’m sorry I haven’t called.

But - ooh this feels bad to type - neither have you.

Maybe you’re the same as me? Maybe you wanted to call but then walking down an empty street while blasting Sarah McClaughlin Mirrorball felt like it was more important.

I get it.

It was.

Whatever you need is.

Whatever I need, too.

Which means - ooh this feels good to type - I don’t think I have to be so sorry that I haven’t called.