I don’t want to cut my husband’s hair
I don’t want to cut my husband’s fucking hair.
I realize that’s the headline plus a fucking (felt too far for the headline), but it’s really all there is to say about this situation. My husband wants me to cut his hair, though he’s been using the word need.Yes it is long and haircutting is currently cancelled, but I don’t want to cut his hair, and I think need is a pretty strong word to be throwing around right now. I need this Quarantine to be over. I need another season of NEXT IN FASHION. I need Martha Stewart to stop Instabragging about her #StayAtHomeCation on her 75 acre farm with her 75 servants. Needs are cancelled, husband’s hair.
[Turns out there’s more to say. May as well keep going for another 6-7 paragraphs.]
Have you had to cut your husband’s fucking hair? And if so, how’d that go? Because it seems like it would be really inconvenient to get divorced right now. Who gets the toilet paper? Who gets the YEAST?!
I just don’t see any way this doesn’t end poorly for me. If I do a shitty job then I’ve A. ruined my husband’s hair and B. have to stare at my husband’s ruined hair all day. If I do a so/so job then I’m going to have to try and get out of it a second time. If I do a great job then I obviously have to cut my husband’s hair for the rest of our lives.
AND ANOTHER THING. I don’t find hair cutting sexy. I find it like nails on a chalkboard if they all fell off in teeny tiny pieces I’ll never clean off my floor.
You know that scene in an alarming number of movies where a woman cuts her man’s hair? He’s either A. super old B. super sick C. holding her hostage D. recently struck but an unidentified ball of light that has rendered him able to win chess games and predict earth quakes but not - apparently - go get a hair cut (John Travolta, Kyra Sedgwick, ‘96, robbed of Best Picture)? I fast forward through that scene (and the scene were someone brushes their teeth while talking which occurs in 99.9% percent of all films. WHY?!).
Am I obligated to do this out of love slash these times? Sorry. I forgot. I’m an independent woman in a modern marriage. Rephrase: how unloving an asshole am I if I refuse to do this in these times? More or less than I am when I refuse to Zoom with people he likes and I hate? Fine. That never happens. We hate all the same people. So would this be akin to me saying how about tomorrow morning instead…. every time for the next - what? - six months? A year?
I think what I’m asking is: whose “need” wins right now?
His to have my love expressed through hair cut help or mine to never do this because I don’t want to? Is there a Quarantine love points system? I recently watched this show DAVE that he really wanted me to watch. How many QLPs does that equal? Ugh but then he let me eat the last half of the giant Amara Kitchen buckwheat chocolate chip cookie. Fine. I ate it without asking and he didn’t get mad. That’s definitely worth more than a 1/2 hour of DAVE, even if the whole show is about a guy’s tiny penis (WHY?!).
Maybe this is more of one-shot situation? Maybe we each get one chance over the course of this whole Quarantine to say nope to anything we want, but if you use it you lose it? It’s like that Hamilton song. Something about One Shot. And he’s - I think - not giving it up? (we are seeing Hamilton in June. Ugh. we were Hamilton in June). Do I want to waste my single foot-put-down on a fifteen minute hair cut? What if he asks me to play Stratego again? What if we get more buckwheat chocolate chip cookies from Amara Kitchen?!?
The truth is, I don’t know why this is an issue at all. Can’t he just use man shaver clipper things and cut his own fucking hair? Anne Hathaway did it, while singing.
Update: I just asked him. He can do that. And he will. It would, “just be easier if you helped, but it’s fine.”
Well then.
Cool.
Glad we figured that out.
Quarantine Day 36: There is a points system.
Strong assumption (1), Me (0).
