Coro-misphonia
One of two things is going on here.
Either I have developed a corona-induced, rage-based reaction to the sound of my dog licking his penis or my dog has increased penis licking 2,250% since the onset of this global pandemic. I’m inclined to blame the dog on account of that’s easier, but on Day 17 of quarantine my tongue decided that fat free Greek yogurt is poison, so it feels worth doing a little detective work here. Also it’s 7am and I can’t sleep because my dog is licking his penis.
The first question on your minds might be - why is she saying licking his penis instead of licking his dick? The second option has a much more obvious ring to it. You know what, you’re right, but I’m not a dick person, etymologically. I contemplated licking himself but that felt too chaste.
Moving on to the next most obvious question: why is this sound of this licking of this penis such a problem? A. The licking is incessant (happening approx 98% of the day?). B. The licking is (I feel) louder than the average dog penis lick (I did some research). Could this mean my dog’s penis is larger than the average dog penis? (Don’t get cute).
Next comes the deeper issue going on here. My why is he licking angst. Along with this potential onset of coro-misphonia is a definite influx of hypo-choron-dria (you try combining it). Makes sense since the news is telling us we can die by standing within six feet of other humans, but it’s inconveniently extended to every aspect of my life. Case in point: my dog’s dick (felt right there).
Why is he licking so much? I ask my husband 458 times a day. Why are you licking so much? I ask my dog both before and after I ask my husband. Why is he licking? I have asked a cadre of Internet vets; every neighborhood dog parent we socially distantly walk “with”; the dirty floor grout that I stare into while hiding in the bathroom; and a shaman in a dream I’ve had three times this week.
The answer is one of the following:
He has fleas. He doesn’t. I check every hour on the hour. This part is not a joke.
He has allergies. He might but my vet is currently closed for non essential visits and they determined that this isn’t essential because the licking isn’t have an adverse affect on his skin. Are you sure he’s licking as much as you think? They asked. I hung up.
He’s anxious and the licking helps. Listen, I get it. Can’t say I’m having the same experience relative to #stayathome and sex drive, but this isn’t a post about my recently arrived coron-Othello syndrome (look it up).
I accidentally told the groomer to cut his hair way too short and now it’s growing back in a sensitive area, which is super fucking itchy. Look. I don’t think it would be fair to rule anything out here…
And so we arrived at the place we seem to always arrive in these unprecedented times: how can I hold space for his quarantine experience while still honoring my own?
I’d like to start by offering a mea culpa for all the times I said raising my dog was easier than parenting your child. It would be very convenient to threaten him out of walks/treats/belly rubs/sleeping in the bed/screen time in exchange for him not licking. I’ve tried. He’s a dog.
That means he was similarly unresponsive to my attempts at giving him a special space to enjoy special time with his body. It’s perfectly natural to experiment with your body I told him as I walked him into the bathroom. But in this house we do that in a private space. Then I threw chicken jerky on the bathmat, ran out and shut the door. He ate the jerky, begged to be let out, ran to the living room couch and licked the shit out of his dick (worked there too).
So we’re at an impasse. I need to keep this dog because A. I have no other way to express anger and frustration at my husband (Gasp! Louie! Did Dad leave soap on the dishes he thinks he washed again? Silly Dad!). And B. I love him. Too much. So much that I haven’t once used my foot to move his sweet little head away from his potentially oversized penis which he’s currently licking at the foot of my bed.
Instead, I’m wearing earplugs.
